A place at the table.

One of our kiddo's self talk is really bad.
I've talked before about the attachment cycle, a baby cries and a tender, responsive, and consistent care giver is suppose to respond, every time. This cycle of, I have a need- I get upset... You hear me, you come- you help me calm, this is the attachment cycle. This cycle happens hundreds of thousands of times in an infants first year of life, and it lays the foundation for self-worth, self-efficacy, and mental health.

Unfortunately, three of our five kiddos didn't get this ground work laid correctly. And we are working to help shift and replace their foundations. I consider it one of our most important roles.

The negative self talk is heart breaking for me and comes from this experience of: I cried and no one came, I do not matter. Or I cried and someone came and treated me poorly, thus I am bad. The way I often describe it is this, most children walk into a room and assume everyone in that room adores them, and wants to hear all about their minecraft explorations, or worm digging, or football practice, they assume that they are the center of the universe. And so it should be.

Many kids who didn't have the correct attachment foundations don't feel this way. They walk into a room and assume they are disliked. They assume that they are the worst, or the stupid-est, or the one everyone is laughing at. And so many times any correction, or rule enforcing comes across as a direct confirmation to them that their worst fears are true.
"I knew I was the worst one."
"I knew she didn't like me."

Recently the negative self talk had taken a turn for the worse with one of our sweet babies. So we began talking with him regularly about how his choices, whether good or bad, do not effect our view of him. We talk with him regularly about how our love is constant, just like Papa God's.

Its been interesting to see his development as this truth has begun to take hold in his heart.

Yesterday I totally messed up with him and flipped my lid. As I was apologizing (a few minutes later) I asked him, "Do you still love me?"
He looked up at me as if I were crazy.
"Of course!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.
As I pulled him in tight I whispered, "Thank you! That is exactly how I feel whenever you make a poor choice. Of course I still love you! I will never stop loving you."

He asks for reminders about his status of unconditional love. What I have found most interesting is this, he often asks at dinner.
He still needs confirmation of his spot at the table.

He doesn't ask in times of trouble, and he doesn't ask in times of joy. He asks during the everyday moment in which we gather to feed our bodies and pour into each others souls.  The time when he looks around and can tangibly see each person's spot. He can actually see all of us, at once, fitting together, tucking ourselves around the table. And it is in these times when he feels our closeness as a unit, that he still doubts his place.

And that makes me cry.

And yet, what I love, is that now, instead of sitting there silently questioning his worth and his belonging. He reminds himself.
Sometimes it is a quiet whisper I hear him saying to just himself as he waits for his turn to talk about his day, and sometimes it is a declaration that he makes to all of us. "You guys love me no matter what!"

Progress is slow when you're shifting foundations.
But progress is progress.

D-D

Demetrius Luke
D-Luke
D-D
Demetrius
D

We call him many things.
Protector of the city and healer of the people. That is who he is.
And he is destined for that.
He protects and heals.

Last night Tre threw up. He didn't call out for me, or David. He called out for D.
"D, take me to the toilet!"
And he did. He rushes to help at any given moment. He cares for people so well.
He rubs my back, and tickles my arm.
He uses his money to buy treats for everyone else.

The other night Demetrius and Tre went to "Kid's Night Out" (It is really Parents Night Out, but they told me I have to call it Kid's Night Out because it's a night for kids to go have fun... Because apparently they don't get out and have fun that often!)
Demetrius repeatedly found Pastor SYlvia asking her to help him find Tre. They had gotten separated. Sylvia kept telling Demetrius to keep looking.
After so many times of him asking she figured she better help him find Tre. And so they began to hunt. It took a while, and they finally found him in a group of older kids playing a game, which is why Demetrius couldn't find him.
Sylvia was relieved, "Oh thank Goodness! Here he is Demetrius!"
"Thanks!" he yelled as he scampered off.
Sylvia was confused.
Why did this kid beg me and beg me to help him find his brother if he isn't even going to stay with him or even say hi? She thought.

He just needed to know that he was okay, That he was safe. That he was having fun.

He is amazing.

This year I am believing over him balance and healing.
I have written before about the healing that is taking place in him.
He is such an amazing boy. With such a powerful story.

Throughout my TBRI training this year with Doctors Karyn Purvis and David Cross I learned a lot about neurotransmitters. These are the chemicals in our brain.
The ones we hear about a lot like seratonin and adrenaline, and those sorts of things.

It's fascinating to learn about these things!
The reason I think it is so important for other parents who are parenting kids from the hard places (and parents who just feel as if they are struggling an awful lot with a particular bio kid maybe) is that looking into your kids neurotransmitters can give you a whole NEW perspective on your kiddo.

Here are Demetrius' test results:
Red means you are out of the optimal range. You are unbalanced.
All but four of his major neurotransmitters are unbalanced. Some are "dangerously high".
You know what this says to me.
He is trying SO SO SO hard to be good.
He is trying SO SO SO hard to not make a "bad choice".
He is trying SO SO SO hard to be like everybody else.
To sit still. To not run. To not get angry. To not hit. To not be crazy. He is trying SO SO SO hard to notice his environment, and to be aware of himself spatially. He is trying and trying trying and trying.

And because of all of that red, it is SO SO SO hard.
What this shows me is that he is the best kid in the world! Talk about perspective. After seeing this paper I felt a new level of compassion for him. For those parents out there needing a dose of compassion, this is one!

And so this year we are speaking over him balance. He shouldn't have to try so hard. He shouldn't have to feel so "bad".

We are working with our naturopathic doctor in helping to bring balance to Demetrius within his brain without using drugs. But there is also a balance that we want to help him develop in his spirit.

When Demetrius makes a mistake he is so hard on himself. As a mom, I feel sick to my stomach when I hear his self-talk. To hear what he says to himself when he makes a mistake; It's gut wrenching. This quote flashes in my head every time I go talk with him after an "incident":

Source: Uploaded by user via Donna on Pinterest

He didn't hear these things from us, ever. That is such a hard thing. For those of you who get to "blame yourselves" when you hear something from your kids that isn't good... Trust me, that's a better feeling than when you had no control over those things. When I hear him berate himself, and get so angry with himself, and the phrases he uses. It breaks my heart. I wish the whole world over I could have protected him from hearing those things ever said about anyone, but especially over himself. I wish the whole world over that he was just saying "Oh shit!" when he spilled his water for the third time today. I wish that's what we were dealing with. Cause that would be kind of funny.
But this is not.

This week I had to send an email to his teacher, here is just a short snip it, 

 "By you repeatedly giving us his "bad reports" from school he has become very defeated. As I have mentioned to you in the past he is a very very sensitive child who has learned to cue into the way people perceive him as a way of protecting himself and surviving as long as he did in the circumstances he was forced to navigate as a very young child. As a result, your repetitive bad reports that you share in front of him and the rest of the parents is resulting in him feeling extremely disliked and therefore his acting out behaviors are continuing to escalate. "

You see I don't care who  you are. This little boy needs encouragement, your words, your actions, your attitudes, he hears them, in his soul. And it's my job now to protect this sweet boy. Maybe I couldn't for the first three years, but I can now. 

So we're helping him this year to bring balance to his thought life. He can't struggle with this forever. He has too much amazing things to do in his life, and this will hold him back. And he won't be held back.

So we're working on getting the chemicals balanced, yes. But that is really only about 20% of the picture. We are also working with him. I'm teaching him about his brain, using this phenomenal book. It even has cartoons that you read to your kids about the brain. We are helping him focus his mindsight from a feeling or emotion to who he is. Helping him realize that emotions change and are not a definition of who we are, but merely a feeling. We are using the wheel of mindsight from the book, and we are working on filling his brain with positive affirmations and feelings.


I know this is going to be a huge year for him.
I think being a parent is hard.
But I think being an intentional parent, helping our children develop and grow into who they are destined to be is exciting. Choosing to teach our children, all of them, about their brains, their emotions, their bodies, and their spirits, is going to lead to some pretty awesome adults!  I want my kids to start from my ceiling. I want them to be challenged to integrate their bodies, souls, spirits, and minds now.

And so this year Demetrius will find balance. In his mind and spirit. I believe he will enter 2014 knowing what an amazing blessing and child he is. Knowing he is smart and kind. Knowing he has a destiny, and knowing that he will fulfill it with all of us cheering him on, no matter how many times he falls down in the process, and no matter how many glasses of water he spills!

Source: alexacall.com via Amanda on Pinterest

This Girl is on Fire

(Yes you should sing the title.)

Welcome 2013. I am glad you're here.
2012 was the quite the year for us as a tribe. We adopted two children, had a baby, bought a home, renovated, went on a month long family vacation, went to the Bahamas, moved, I got certified in TBRI, we flew to Pennsylvania, we grew our business, and through it all... we stayed married.
That's a good year.

This year is our year of settlement. Our year to settle into who we are now as a family of seven. In our new house, with our new roles, new names, new beginnings. This year we will settle.

I have decided that in 2013 I have a few things to work on.
I want to be more deliberate for what I am believing, speaking over, and teaching my children. And I want it to be individualized.
So I have been praying for God to give me specific qualities or attributes that I want to focus on for each of my children.
Laila was the first one I knew what I needed to be doing in 2013. And so it has begun. I am praying over her and speaking into her these things:
Voice.
Empowerment.
Strength.
Courage.
These are the things I want to help develop within her this year. These are the things that I want to see blossom.
She is all of these things.
But I often times find myself speaking the opposite over her. And that is wrong.

Karyn Purvis talks about giving voice to your children for a brief moment here.

But there is something so profound that she says when speaking about children who's needs were not met as infants and the studies that show that if an infants needs are not met within the first 30-60 days of life they will stop crying.
(Anyone else been in a silent orphanage? I have.)
She says this, "The legacy of a lost voice is great." (insert my tears here.)
Unfortunately I have seen this in Laila. And so this year I have purposed to give her voice, to make her feel powerful.
It is January 4th as I write this, and I am already seeing my quiet, victim-like, compliant to a fault, no fuss, no tears little girl disappear.
Here are some of the things we have instituted in the new year. I am sure you will disagree with most of them. But I'm not parenting your child, so don't worry.

Laila is allowed to hit, push, shove, etc.
If Laila needs something she needs to yell it.
She got a supero-hero cape that she can wear at all times if necessary (Thanks Aunt Diana and Uncle David).
She gets to pick her clothing everyday, no matter what.

And for me:
When Laila asks for something that she needs I must stop, look, and listen, and respond appropriately.
I cannot mumble to myself about her "victim-mentality".
I have to let her pick her clothing, no matter what.
I need to help facilitate mirror time every day.

Here are a few of my thoughts behind these crazy "New Years Resolutions"

You need a little background to the dynamics around here. Demetrius and Tre rarely hurt Laila, and if they do 95% of the time it is accidental. But Noah is an entirely different story. He hurts Laila often. On purpose. And she does nothing about it. She will let him chase her around as he tries to hit her with a toy. When she won't call out from the bathroom for help, he will go in and bite her while she is on the potty. He will throw toys at her, etc. We are working on this with him.
(He is very very gentle with Charli and treats her so well. It is how Laila has reacted to him that has created this dynamic, but he does get punished when this occurs. And that is an entirely different post.)

When we made the announcement to the boys that Laila is allowed to push and hit, I thought Demetrius was going to fall off his chair. He couldn't believe it.
But here is what we said, "Boys, Laila is allowed to hit for now. (Insert faces of utter disbelief, envy, and shock.) She cannot hit to be mean. She can hit to defend herself. If Noah is biting her, or one of you hit her, she will hit back. Right Laila?"
She nods her head with a devilish grin spreading across her sweet cheeks.
"Boys, Laila is precious. And she powerful. And she is not going to let people hurt her anymore. Will you please help her learn to defend herself?"
Then we had about ten minutes of questioning and clarification from the boys. So Laila can hit us if we hurt her on purpose, but not just to be mean? Can we hit each other now? Is punching hitting? What about karate? Does tripping count? How long will this last?

We were sitting at Del Taco during this conversation. I'm fairly certain the other patrons were flabbergasted. At one point David looked at me and said, "Maybe this was a mistake?"

But honestly it has gone so well. Yesterday they were all playing in the basement and I heard D and Tre encouraging Laila. "Laila if Noah is hurting you you need to grab his hand and stop him. He can't hit you with a toy. You are precious and powerful!"
"Oooo-kay." came a little meek voice.

When I see Noah hitting her I say, "Laila stop him." Instead of rescuing her.

There is a history here that will not repeat itself.
There is a generational curse and message that she has received that will stop in our home.
She will learn her worth, her value, her preciousness, and her power here.
She has a voice that is commanding and will be heard.

When children do not feel that they have a voice; they feel that they are not important, that they are not worthy of love and care, that their needs and desires will never be met. And so they manipulate and control in order to get their needs met. They feel that if they were to just ask, to use their voice, no one would ever hear them, meet them, love them or care for them.
Not Laila.

It's January 4th. This morning she came upstairs and said, "Why is Noah up here with you?"
I said, "He needed some loves." (We were sitting on the couch cuddling.)
She looked down at her toes, and quietly whispered, "I need some loves too."
"What?" I said, gently prompting her to lift her chin and look at me. I smiled.
"I need some loves." she said quietly.
I picked her up and loved her for as long as she'd let me, which wasn't very long. Because really she just needed to see if I would hear her.
And I will.

So far we have been jammin' to Girl on Fire every morning in front of the mirror. And I find her singing it throughout the day.
I talk to her about how much she needs and how I am here to meet those needs for her. I talk to her about how powerful she is and that she is in control of her body. She decides how much she eats, when she goes potty, what she wears, who can touch her and how. I talk to her about her voice and the power she has when she uses it.

I have been reading her books from the library like "Beautiful Warrior" and "The Princess Knight", "Nzingha" and others that I have mentioned before like, "The Skin You Live In".

This afternoon she told me, "I do not want to take a nap. I did not have enough time to play today!" It was a mini fit. I was so so proud.

And so my girl on fire she will become.
She is powerful and precious. And deserves for her voice to be heard.
So here is to 2013 and the voice of a precious lady being found... and heard.