Be the change.

I think all of us have a part of who we are that needs to give back. A piece of us that wants to be a part of something bigger than us. Thus we all search for avenues in which we feel called to help, donate, give, and speak up for. Ways we can lend a hand, a dollar, or a voice.

Some of us have found our niche in a fight against something that threatened our existence, whether it be cancer, a syndrome, a war, or an injustice. We've found our heart strings tied with the fatherless, the hungry, the poor, the destitute. We've seen the brokenness and poverty that lies within our cities. We've reached out to help where and when we can.

The more and more I learn about the depravity that exists in our beautiful world, the more I find a common thread.

Women.

There'd be a lot less orphans if women across the globe were empowered to earn money and have equal access.
There'd be a lot less poverty if women were educated.
There'd be a lot less disease if women were educated.
There'd be a lot less trafficking if women were valued.
There'd be a lot less war if women were in powerful positions along with men.
There'd be a lot less violence if women were made to know their worth.

As Bernard Kouchner the founder of Doctors Without Borders put it, "Progress is achieved through women."

I believe that all of us, no matter where out personal heart strings may tie, no matter where our causes may lie, we must empower women in order to achieve it.

Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn put it this way in their amazing book Half the Sky, "Let us be clear about this up front: we hope to recruit you to join an incipient movement to emancipate women and fight global poverty by unlocking women's power as economic catalysts. That is the process underway- not a drama of victimization but of empowerment, the kind that transforms bubbly teenage girls from brothel slaves into successful business women."

You see I want to be apart of that. I want to be a part of empowering women to change the world.

And I don't have a master plan. Or even a novice plan. But I do have a voice. So I'll start with that.

I am hosting a screening of a documentary film called "It's A Girl". This film takes a specific look at what this vast inequity looks like specifically in India and China:

In India, China and many other parts of the world today, girls are killed, aborted and abandoned simply because they are girls. The United Nations estimates as many as 200 million girls⁽¹⁾ are missing in the world today because of this so-called “gendercide”.

Girls who survive infancy are often subject to neglect, and many grow up to face extreme violence and even death at the hands of their own husbands or other family members.

The war against girls is rooted in centuries-old tradition and sustained by deeply ingrained cultural dynamics which, in combination with government policies, accelerate the elimination of girls.

Shot on location in India and China, It’s a Girl reveals the issue. It asks why this is happening, and why so little is being done to save girls and women.

The film tells the stories of abandoned and trafficked girls, of women who suffer extreme dowry-related violence, of brave mothers fighting to save their daughters’ lives, and of other mothers who would kill for a son. Global experts and grassroots activists put the stories in context and advocate different paths towards change, while collectively lamenting the lack of any truly effective action against this injustice.

My hope for today is to bring light to this darkness. To use my voice to let people know that this is happening. If you would like to see this film please join us in Castle Rock, CO on Thursday May 23rd at 5:30 pm, at the AMC theatre. Purchase your tickets here. They are $10 and we must pre-sell 75 tickets in the next two weeks in order for the theatre to confirm our screening.

Here is the official trailer:

I am also working with teaming up with other organizations to help bring an end to gender in-equality. To help raise up the daughters of this world to know, that they are the answer we've been missing.
And I will have more on this soon!

Laila Lou is Four!

Today this precious girl is four!

I can't believe we have been privileged enough to celebrate three birthdays with her. It seems surreal. Only a few short weeks after she moved in she turned two. And when I look back at that little girl, I can't believe how far we've come. As a family, as a mom and daughter, as a team.

She has come so far. She was such a scared and hurt little girl when she arrived. She had suffered far more than I even knew at that point.

And now I look at her and I am just overwhelmed with the goodness of God. How far he has brought her (and us) in such a short time. How much He has shown me through her.

Today is a special day for her in so many ways. Last night I let her stay up (because her and I watch the Voice together, for a bit.) and I started talking to her about her story. And reminding her that her birthday is the day we celebrate that she came out of her Niah-Mommy's tummy (name changed). So we talked about her Niah Mommy for a while. And then we settled back in to our show. And I couldn't help but feel a bit overwhelmed. Thinking of all that God has brought this powerful little girl through in such a short time that she has been here. And yet her story is really just beginning.

If you've read this blog for a while you might remember my new years resolutions for my kids... With Laila we decided that this would be the year that she learns her power and preciousness. That we would help her find her voice...

Well, we're nearly five months in and yesterday we had our first public victory!

David went to pick up Laila from school and the teacher pulled him aside. She said, "I am going to ask you a question in front of Laila on purpose so she can hear your answer. Okay?"

We have a little history with the teacher and have asked her to only speak to us about our kids behaviors away from the kids...
"Okay." Said David hesitantly.

She then went on, "Now Dad Laila said that her mom says it is okay for her to hit people... Is that true? Can Laila hit people? Because she said her mommy said she can hit people."

YES!
Laila hit a class mate.
It wasn't what we were going for.
But the point is, Laila has found her voice. She is no longer throwing fits, or acting like an infant. She is no longer crying and pointing when she has a need, and she is no longer letting people hurt her.
She is using her voice!

(Now obviously we had to remind her that we don't hit our friends when they knock over our castle. We use our words.... And reminded her that the only time it is okay to push people is if they will not stop hurting your body when you ask them to. You see, we all do this with most 18-36 month olds. They hit, because they are learning how to tell people how they like to be treated. It's a normal developmental stage. Unfortunately Laila never felt that anyone would listen to her boundaries about her body... So we are teaching her now that she is precious and powerful, and you can read more about it here.)

So today we celebrate this amazing little girl and the story she has yet to write with her amazing life. We love you Laila Lou and we are so honored to be Mommy and Daddy.

An Interview with Laila:
What is your Favorite color?
Blue.

Who is  your favorite sibling?
Charli because she is getting bigger like that.

What is your favorite thing to do?
Play.

What is your favorite food?
Ummm.... Strawberries, and skittles, and jelly beans.

Tell me about the most amazing thing you've ever done.
Eat candy and eat strawberries.

Is there anything else you want to tell people on your birthday?
Yes. I want to tell them that I am getting a new chair for you.

Ninja Turtles and Massages: ways to heal attachment.

I promised a follow up to my post yesterday. And I've already had a lot of emails and questions. And my answer to all of them, "Trust your gut". What do you think your baby needs? Do that.

A lot of questions about "crying it out".
I believe that we learn our children's cries fairly quickly. We know what a scared cry, a hungry cry, a tired cry, and a hurt cry sounds like. If you lay your baby down for a nap and she cries for one minute and then falls asleep that's not letting her cry it out. That could be what's normal for your baby. I don't know, you're her mama. Trust yourself.

When I refer to crying it out I am referring to what has been coined "Ferberizing" or "Ferbering" which is a sleep method created by a man named Richard Ferber. It teaches how to train your child to sleep through the night by letting them cry for five minutes, then going in and patting them on the back, singing, or whatever ways you can calm them without holding them. Then you leave and let them cry for ten minutes and repeat, then you let them cry for twenty minutes, etc. with a strong willed child, this can last all night long, sometimes for up to seven nights. (It is also common during this "training" that babies get an ear infection at some point due to the congestion caused by crying.) That is letting them cry it out.

(Here is a lengthy article that summarizes Ferbering and the lasting effects.)

As far as scheduling goes: I love them. I have five little kids, we couldn't function without our schedule. And my infant has a schedule. But if she wants to eat and its only been an hour since she did last, and I know she's not tired, and she's dry, and she's not in pain, I let her! I go through my mental checklist first. But I know her, and I know her signs and if I know she's hungry, then she gets to eat!

A lot of people mentioned Baby Wise, or Growing Kids God's Way. I did not. Mostly because they have recently had to change a lot of their language and such and their books are no longer as strict as they used to be as a result of all the negative medical attention as well as scientific attachment attention they were receiving. As a result, their books are a little less black and white as they used to be, and more grey, like the real world. If you attend a class with this label it can really depend what type of information you get based on how black and white the teacher sees these things. I believe there are a lot of things about it, that if used in moderation, or with the whole child in mind, will work. Unfortunately a lot of people just leave with "the schedule" ingrained in them.

I have had twelve children under the age of three in the last three years. (We do foster care and have adopted, and birthed one of our own during this time period.) And only two of them have had the start that I believe every baby should get. And none of them have experienced a great prenatal atmosphere (Which is an entirely different and important post!). All of that to say, I have made it my mission to learn and study how we can heal our babies!

Whether you're an adoptive or foster mom like me, and know that your kiddo didn't have an attentive, nurturing, and loving care giver consistently throughout their first days, months, or years. Or you are a bio mom, like me, who has realized since having her babies that you made a couple big mistakes. Here is what we need to know: we all heal our babies, and ourselves the same, through connection.

I also want to highlight another group of moms, moms who have either had premature babies, or babies who were born with birth defects, or for some other reason needed severe medical care as an infant. (I have one of these.) Unfortunately their little brains look the same as the brains of babies who have been abused or neglected. Do you know why? Because infants don't know the difference between medically necessary pain, and abuse. Their brains don't understand the difference between medically necessary incubation and neglect. Their brains just registered, you hurt me, I cried, you didn't stop it. Or maybe you couldn't even touch them for a few weeks or months when they were born. Their brains didn't register that was because you were trying to save their life. Their brains registered neglect and pain.

Okay breathe.
Because their is so much hope. And so much we can do.

Healing Ourselves
A very very important aspect of attaching with our kiddos is understanding our own attachments and coming to terms with our story. Your own attachment history will greatly influence the way you care for your children. In fact, research shows that for most peolpe whatever attachment they tested at 12 months of age, they will keep throughout their life. Therefore someone who grew up with an insecure attachment may not have the same ability to provide the consistent, nurturing, responsiveness to their infant that would help their infant obtain a secure attachment. Simply because they do not know how to do this, it was never modeled to them, and this has therefore changed their view of what is appropriate or correct.

All of that to say, if we are aware of our selves and what we experienced, or have a lack of experience with, we will be able to better care for our children. A great resource if you feel that part of your journey in bringing healing to the children in your life is to come to terms with, and obtain an "earned secure" attachment for yourself is a wonderful book by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell called Parenting from the Inside Out. There are also therapists trained specifically in attachment that you can seek out. (I personally had an Adult Attachment Interview(AAI) and have studied how our own attachments effect our parenting, it is a huge piece of the puzzle in my opinion.) There is a short assessment you can take here that will give you a brief idea of what attachment style you have across multiple different relationships. All of this is huge in how we see our children and how we can clearly decipher what they need.

Touch
We must touch our children. Physical touch is just like air and water to humans. Yet for those of us trying to repair an attachment, it is even more important. Depending on the age of your child this will look differently. But touch is powerful. Studies recently have shown that daily massage is STOPPING the progression of Alzheimer's!

If you have an infant there are many infant massage classes or DVDs you can look into. But I always encourage massage! It is shown to help integrate the brain (One of the things that we see happen when children are left to cry it out is that the two hemispheres of the brain do not communicate with one another the way they should.) and it floods the child, and the masseuse with dopamine, one of the strongest calming neurotransmitters and an essential element for attachment! In older children it could look like trading off back massages, or hand massages or foot massages. (This also helps in HUGE ways for babies who are detoxing for those adoptive and foster moms who are caring for drug exposed babies, this is ESSENTIAL!) and for those of you who are doing everything right, massage those chubby happy babies, it will strengthen your attachment with them and bring them lots of love:)

Attention Time
This is another strategy I use. Attention time is like nursing a baby, but for ANY age. This is a time set aside that it is just you and them, doing what they want to do. They lead.

We have scheduled attention time in our house, we have dates, which are attention time away from the house. But I try to daily do attention time in the house as well. It can be as little as ten minutes at a time, maybe two time's a day. But during this time they get to tell you what to do. You could be playing in the fort, flying a B-17, having a tea party, playing a game, lifting weights, or fixing a bike. You are looking them in the eye. You are matching their behaviors and emotions. You are following their lead, and you are on their level both physically and emotionally.

Think about when you are nursing a baby... You can't really do anything else. You are looking at them, you are touching them, you are comforting them, you are following their lead, you are talking sweetly, and you are just oozing love. That's what attention time is like, but for a six year old, or a sixteen year old.

So how does this work in my crazy house you ask? Different depending on the day. But usually I am doing this with my three oldest before quiet/nap time. Or before bed. I put them to bed in ascending order. The babies go down, then the four year old, who knows attention time is before naps, has already set up the little pet shops. So there I am playing pet shop and being a kitty cat for ten minutes (and yes I carry the timer and let them set it for ten minutes, and give them a two minute warning). I'm following her lead. I'm whispering when she whispers, she is close to me, and we're just having a blast. Then it's the five year olds turn, and off I go to fight Donatello and Michaelangelo in a fight to the death. We wrestle, we roll, we laugh, we tickle, and then as I am putting him to bed, I am massaging his arms and singing him a song and looking in his gorgeous brown eyes... And so on.

And don't get me wrong, I am totally exhausted after just thirty minutes of this. But I know my job is to help my older three heal. I want to help provide them every opportunity for a secure attachment. And if playing Ninja Turtles and giving massages is how I can do that, I'm in.

Resources
There are a lot of resources out there on this. The best thing I think you can read is The Connected Child. (We have used this book long before we had adopted or foster care kiddos).

I would also encourage you to learn about sensory needs. Often times babies who have cried it out develop sensory issues. (There are MANY reasons kids develop these so please don't start judging!) But this is a contributing factor. When their brains are flooded with those stress hormones the brain can not be integrated and work cohesively... Ways we see this in older children, and infants, is in sensory sensitivities. The best place to start is with the book The Out of Sync Child. Each chapter starts with a little assessment and it is just super user friendly. Sensory sensitivities can look like so so many things but for instance, if you have a toe walker, if you have a kid that refuses to wear socks, if you have a kid who can spin for hours without getting sick, if you have a kid who is often complaining about how loud things are, etc. this is a HUGE topic. Start with the book. (And yes we all have sensory sensitivity to some degree.) Understand, that by integrating sensory rich activities into your day you can greatly improve the brains integration and see huge strides toward healing in your children.

There is hope. There is a never a child, there is not a brain, and there is not a mama that can't change! Our brains can change. Our attachments can heal. And we can all see this happen in our homes if we continue to educate ourselves, encourage one another, and talk!




















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Why letting your baby cry it out is not God's way.

I have written this post in my mind a hundred times. I have taught this post to many classes over and over again.But I have never put it here. Mostly because I feel like when I "teach" this to a class, or I talk to people one on one, they can hear my heart, and see my tears. And in the world of technology that is often times lost.

But a few days ago I watched a video posted on Facebook of a nursery door, and the cries of a sweet baby could be heard coming from behind the door. The caption read, "It's going to be a long night."
I had to say something. So I wrote, "Don't do it!"
You see we did it.
I know it "works".
But since then I have cried many tears as a result. I let our baby cry it out because I thought I was doing what was best. Because that's what I was taught by well meaning people. Since then I have learned the long lasting effects of letting our babies "cry it out" . It effects their brains, their hearts, and their attachment long term.
( I'm horrified at myself when I remember the Christian circles I walked in then and how we looked down upon those who chose to have their children control them, be the center of their marriage, or who just wouldn't be strict enough to teach their babies to sleep. To you, I am so so so sorry.)

All of this was racing through my mind Sunday night after I saw the Facebook post. Yet I knew I couldn't express my heart, my sorrow, and the science behind why we will never let any of our babies "cry it out" again, on a Facebook news feed. In fact the comments started rolling in.
"Baby manipulation, don't give in!"
"It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but its worth it."
"Hard to do, but something that has to be done."
"It's harder on you than it is on her."

All friends, just trying to encourage another sleep deprived friend on this incredibly tough road we call parenthood. I know I've said all those things and more before.

But I was wrong. And I'm so sorry.

With our first baby we took "the class". We worked "the schedule". And as the time drew nearer and nearer to the six week mark I knew, we HAD to get him to sleep through the night.
I remember my entire body breaking out in a sweat. I remember my milk coming down, I remember David holding my hand, physically holding me in the bed so I wouldn't "break". Setting the timers so that I would know when I could get up and comfort him. And crying as I listened to him wail.



I often think that in America, from the very beginning of motherhood, we are taught to ignore our maternal instinct or our gut. Whether by medical "professionals" or well meaning friends, or even parents. And that's exactly what we do when we let our babies "cry it out". We ignore our gut. My body was screaming for me to go get my baby, my heart was crying to stop his cries, but I thought I had to do what I "knew" was best. When people comment "it's so hard" or "it's harder on you" that is us acknowledging that it feels so so wrong to do this.

So here is what I have learned.


Babies have needs. They weren't born manipulative, or selfish. They're not trying to mess up your marriage or your family system. They need YOU.

As you can see in my great drawing, a baby has a need, they are hungry, they express that need, they begin squirming, chewing their hands rooting, crying, you meet that need. You help them calm down. You hold them, you feed them, you rock them, you shush them, you bounce them. We do this hundreds of times each day. This cycle, that repeats itself over and over again, is the basis for trust, self-worth and efficacy.

You can also see on the outside I wrote "excitatory nt's" and "inhibitory nt's". This stands for excitatory neurotransmitters (for example norepinephrine, glutamate) and inhibitory or calming neurotransmitters (for example GABA or seratonin). These are the chemicals that are released in the body and brain during the right side of the cycle (the red side) and the left side (the blue side). On the right side, when our children are hungry for example, they begin to cry, their brains are flooded with stress hormones, these are the things that make their hearts race, their screams get louder, their faces red, their pupils dialate. These are the same neurotransmitters that flood the brain in fight, flight, or freeze mode. This is a stress situation.

But then we come.
We feed them, we rock them, we shush them. This is how we teach our children to calm down. This is how we build the foundation of mental health and self regulation, and trust, and self worth.
(Did you know that the largest, percent-wise, area of growth in a woman's body while she is pregnant is the synapsis in her brain for hearing?! We were created to HEAR OUR BABIES!)

When we do not respond to our children's cry the only thing we teach them is that their voice does not matter to us. That we will not hear them. They will stop crying. I promise. And you will have a full nights sleep around six to eight weeks. You will.
But it will be at a cost.

There are several studies I could talk about here. Ones where they put baby monkeys in a separate cage at night and didn't let their moms feed them. The monkeys became psychotic, they had less brain connections than those who were raised with their moms attending to them when they cried. Or others of gagged orphans, or babies who were not held when they cried.

But there is one I want to talk about, the research by Provence and Lupton. They found that within 30-60 days of an infants needs not being met when they cry, they will stop crying.
It doesn't mean they don't have the need.
It doesn't mean that we have "trained" them how to sleep.
It means we have taught them that their needs do not matter to us. That we will not come. (And the psychological research that has been done as a result of this message being sent to our children was done by Megan Gunnar at the University of Michigan, and it is so great, I don't want to talk about it here in fear of making most of us feel awful.)
But they stop crying. And we get to sleep.

Yet their little bodies still have the needs, those didn't go away when we stripped them of their voice. They're still hungry, or just a little scared, or cold, or hot, or wet.

Their brains are not developed in a way yet for them to possibly calm themselves. Not until three YEARS is this even physiologically possible, and truly this portion of the brain doesn't fully mature until around age 30!!

So whats happening to all of our babies that we've "trained" to sleep through the night?
Remember this.


Our babies are living on the right side of this chart. Their brains are being flooded with all those stress hormones, which act like bleach to the brain when they get too much without the calming neurotransmitters flooding over them. They are actually designed to almost paralyze the upper portions, the learning, expression, attachment, parts of our brains so that we only use our fight fight or freeze, base area.
We don't want our children living in this place.
I know none of us want this. None of us hope that we paralyze our children's brain and incapacitate it to function properly or lack cohesiveness. None of us hope to risk our attachment and trust that we have with our babies. None of us want to negatively effect our children's self-worth. No one wants to shake the foundations of mental health and self regulation for our children. And yet by letting them "cry it out" we do.

If I could change anything, out of the millions of mistakes I've made as a mom, this would be the one.

There are lots of resources out there.
Here is a great, all around one. If you're looking for more. Let me know.


I would love to hear your comments and such. But let's keep it constructive. I know for some reason this is a dividing line for people. But I just want to remind you, I am not a scientist. I am a mom with five kids ages 6 and under. I am in the trenches! I get it! It's so so hard!

(I will follow this up with some strategies for those of us who have already made the mistake, ways to repair attachment and heal the brain, because there is hope.)



(Thank you Karen for your moral and educational support on all this. I hope I did it justice.)

Do I smell?

This idea that brokenness brings sweetness, that beauty comes from ashes, that deep strength comes from professed weakness. I love it.
I live there.
I think most of us do.
As a foster/adoptive mom, I realized with a bit of pride this weekend, that the ashes and beauty, and the weakness and strength is on the surface maybe a bit more in our lives.

I attended a retreat for adoptive/foster moms and those who work with orphans. As I found myself sharing meals and beds, sharing struggles and joys, tears and laughter, I found myself amongst "my people". It was so sweet.

We were a lodge full of amazing women. There was so much strength, power, perseverance, tenacity, love and beauty. It was overwhelming at times.
We were all gathered, carrying the brokenness of our own lives, as well as those of the children we love, yet I was overwhelmed by the sweet incense that poured out of these women. Some of us came crawling, some of us came weak, or poor, but the common denominator is that we came.

“God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.”
― Vance Havner

I'm believing this quote. I'm praying this over so many of the women I came in contact with this past weekend. That from the brokenness that we have chosen to live in, from the brokenness we have encountered in the orphans of this world, that God would continue to bring forth goodness.

I left the retreat, I left these women, feeling as if I carried with me their incense. I left feeling as if the openness and rawness of it all deposited in my spirit a sweet perfume that came straight from the throne. And for that I am so so grateful to many of you who were there.

I met a lot of amazing women. And I can't wait for next year. I hope that so many more of you can join us!


“A broken soul is not the absence of beauty, but a cracked and torn soul reeks of the sweet incense it contains.”
― unknown



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