It is hard to write this post for several reasons, the first being, that it is hard to be honest about what happened and my feelings, and my place in the process while also holding the details of the case in confidentiality, and respecting all the parties involved. As well as just this over all yucky feeling. It is interesting when you are not a part of the details, it is probably easier to see what is "best". But being apart of these kids lives, and knowing the HUGE ramifications of what happened is hard to swallow. I have said this before, but adoption is not the way things are suppose to happen. I do not believe adoption is the best option ever. And yet I also believe that children need permanency and stable, loving homes, that are safe and full of love. The studies show, kids are better off being raised by their biological parents, even when it is far from an "ideal" upbringing, then they are if they are adopted. And although I don't speak that over my children, and I believe in God's full and perfect restoration and the shedding of generational sins. I also understand that adoption is the MOST severe thing that can EVER occur in a child's life.
On Thursday the judge said, "All other less severe options have been considered. And adoption, being the most severe, is the best option for these children." And their mom and I both hung our heads. The implications are everlasting.
I think this time I know how serious this is. Every day Demetrius asks questions. Every day he asks, where is my Ashley Mom? Why won't you let me see her? I want to be with her forever. I don't want to be adopted. I love you Mema, will you be my mom forever? How come Laila has a dad and I don't? Does Tre have two moms?
It's confusing, and hard, and unfathomable for these babies. It doesn't make sense. And to instill purpose and love, and hope into their brokenness is our job forever and from now on.
So we are not rejoicing, on our adoption day, we will celebrate. But now, it almost feels like mourning. A mourning for what they've lost forever. A mourning for what they have to conquer, a mourning for their mom, a mourning for their dad, a mourning for their grandparents, a mourning for the future, and a mourning of what their past has held.
But we know that in mo(u)rning comes dancing, and we will work our way there. Trusting that God has overcome what seems insurmountable. Yet trying to pretend their is not huge loss and pain would be dishonest.