Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Confession Time

Confession of this mama:
I have a favorite.
It usually changes dependent on the day, sometimes the hour. But I always have a favorite.
And I have one, who is often my favorite, but also pushes my buttons in ways that none of the others do.
I am going to see a therapist about it.
Because I know it is something in me that causes this. And I don't want it.
In my head I realize that the manipulation and the meanness we see from our precious kiddo is a result of their story. And I often remember that it is these things that helped them to survive, and make it to our home. But often times I just find my self getting angry. And I preach it here all the time, I have to remember their story and what has brought them to us. And if I don't, if I can't come from a place of compassion, then my response will be hurtful. And sometimes I find myself in that place, and I hate it.

The key in being a home of healing, in being a parent or individual who brings hope, is knowing yourself. And that includes knowing what your triggers are and why. There is power in healing. It is what I always talk about here. Our children are so powerful, their stories will help change this world for the better, their stories will bring glory to God. And we want the same for us too. Because we cannot help others heal if we ourselves are still hurt. I live with this really wise man, who also happens to be my husband, and he always reminds me, "Hurt people, hurt people." So simple. And so profound.

This is something we talk about a lot in the trainings that we do for potential foster and adoptive parents. Because often those who feel called to foster and/or adopt, come from places of brokenness themselves. And thus they make some of the best resources for these children, their innate compassion and understanding is invaluable. BUT, if a parent/caregiver has not gone through their own healing, and their children are triggering them, this can be extremely hurtful and debilitating in helping to bring healing in our children.

And this applies to ALL parents, not just those of us who have chosen adoption. Don't we all swear that we will not be like our parents in at least some way or another, and yet, when that certain kiddo, does that certain thing, our mothers somehow take over our bodies and we become them, even if for just a moment, as we deal with a situation.

So all that to say, I am going to see a therapist. One to help me find what my trigger is and why, so that I can begin realizing it ahead of time so that it does not cause a rift in the relationship I have with this kiddo.

There is an awesome book that deals with these, it is for all parents to go through, I think it should be required reading and discussion material PRE-parenthood. It is called Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell, it is awesome!

Do you have a certain kiddo, or a certain behavior, that just ticks you off? Will you tell me about it? (You can email me at the email on the sidebar for private info, or leave a comment.) And if you give me permission I might use a bit of your story in one of my trainings.

And for those of you who helped me out with my last question, in regard to food issues, here is a short video from Karyn Purvis and Empowered to Connect with some great reminders!

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