Monday we took one of our baby's for our initial evaluation and assessment at The Institute for Attachment and Child Development. It was quite an emotional experience. For one, you sit in a room and talk about everything you think is "wrong" with your child for hours. I was a mess. Then the child comes, and they observe them with you, and then you leave. And you go to the observation room.
I have sat in the observation room as the "professional" quite a few times. I have listened to sex abuse interviews with little children. I have assessed parent child interactions. I have assessed child to child interactions, I have sat in that room many times and passed judgment, made assessments, and evaluated children and families.
But being on the other end of that was very difficult. As we sat and watched one of ours spiral, as we watched her hit, and kick, and scream, yell disrespectful words, and turn into something she is not. It was heart breaking. I was holding back the tears.
Although I knew in my gut that there were red flags. I had held out hope that we would arrive at the assessment, they would listen to our stories, and they would observe. And then they would smile, and shake their heads, and tell me that we have nothing to worry about, that this is just part of the normal attachment story. But that didn't happen.
And then it was over. There was no wrap up. We haven't yet sat down and gotten the prognosis, the plan, and the help that will take us on from here. So we were kind of left hanging. The problem very obvious, but the plan still ambiguous.
So now we struggle with the in-between, like so many other areas of their lives. As we wait to hear what the next steps are we have to rest in the truths that we do know. We do know that we are right where we are suppose to be. We do know that our God is bigger. And we do know that we are okay with this idea that our family will never look "normal". Because we truly believe that it's in the mess that the beauty is found.