I am tired.
Although having a newborn this time around has been easier than ever before, I am still tired, I day dream about my bed, it is beautiful, and comfortable, and warm, and oh so inviting.
Nugget will not be getting surgery anytime soon. The surgery is very risky, and they are hoping he will grow out of the problem soon, if he does not, then we will have to do surgery but they want to wait a few months.
I got to take Nugget's mom out for ice cream the other day. We cried and laughed. I am constantly reminded of how Jesus treated sinners, and I am constantly reminded, that I am no different than her. I love her. I told her that I kiss her babies twice, every time. The first one is for her, and the other one is for me. I told her that I am praying for her, and her husband, and that I promise to love her kids like my own, whether they're with me for a week or eighteen years... We cried, and took pictures with her disposable camera. And when we parted ways we hugged, and cried more. And she buckled in her little nugget in my car and I waved as I drove away.
I can't imagine someone else having my babies, or buckling them in someone else's car and watching them drive away. I can't imagine someone else wiping Tre's poop, or cleaning up after him when he peed the bed for the fifth time this week. I also can't imagine someone else being the one who gets to hug him when he wakes up, or pick him up when he falls. And I can't imagine how she feels. I promised her I would do my best.
This whole foster care thing is hard. A lot of people say, "I couldn't do that, it would be to hard for me, it would be too hard on my kids." And they're right. It is too hard, because this isn't how it is suppose to be. This is too hard on my kids, it's hard on my marriage, and our wallet, and my heart. I cry every time any of them leave, and I still worry and pray for all of them, I still cry every time they call us and we say no, we can't take that one...
I am glad that Jesus didn't use that excuse for me, that's too hard. And I am glad that his Dad didn't use that excuse for His kid, that would be too hard on my kid. And I am glad that He promises to meet us, and bless us, and provide for us, when we do unto the least of these.
I am constantly reminded that we are suppose to be moving towards brokenness, we are made to envelope hurt, and pain. Weakness is our greatest strength.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Nugget's sister, who is 21 months old, will be moving in with us this week. We are very excited to have a little girl around here. But I am worried, 21 months is a BABY! And I already have a baby, a really little one, that stays up at night:)
I am sure we will quickly find our new groove, and it will be wonderful, but I am trying to imagine how I will walk in a parking lot, get groceries, or even just get all of my children down the stairs here! I am sure I will conquer all of this, I think there are other women who have. And in my weakness, Christ's power will rest on me.