Wednesday, October 20, 2010

5 Days or Forever

I'm not really sure how to start this post, but I know I should...
I am committed to blogging about this experience, the whole foster to adopt experience, because no one else really does, and I think it will be helpful to many. But I have to do so with the utmost anonymity to children, parents, etc. So here I go.

The twins left us last night and returned to their mom, in a very bizarre and utterly devastating decision that took place in court. I can not give any details really. But if you are thinking about doing this journey, understand this does not usually happen! Everyone was shocked.

When I told my mom, as I was bawling, she said, "Well, Amanda, nothing ever really goes normally in your life, you have to admit that much!" And it's true.

We are really sad. And really really grateful that we got to spend five days with those boys. We know that God put them in our lives for a reason, and they will be forever prayed for and remembered by us.

We want to be broken, and expose ourselves to suffering, because we weren't put here to sustain our comfort. And so we are glad to feel the suffering of others, although it seems heavy and unbearable at times, we share with the boys and their mom in their suffering today, and until they are in heaven we will share with them the burden of what they have gone through and what still remains ahead of them.

Yet we have to believe that God has a plan bigger than we could ever fathom. And we realize, we don't have to understand. Like I said in my post here, "We don't know how long the twins will be in our lives, it could be a month, a year, or forever... and we are totally at peace with that."

We will remain steadfast and not give up hope that God will redeem all that was stolen from them. And we will trust that as we move forward, toward more suffering and hurt and loss, that God will sustain us and be our source.

Thanks for walking the journey with us, we have had more support and love in all of this than I ever thought possible, we are surrounded by people who truly are blessings!


  1. Praying for all of you Amanda, including the twins. Keep your focus on God and listen to Him. He knows best. He knew this was going to happen, yet He let it happen. I am sure He did because he knew that in 5 days you, David and Tre would make an impact on these boys. You might never find out what impact you made, what difference you made in these kids' life, but like you said you will pray for them for the rest of your life. There is the start of the impact right here: your constant prayers for them. That is more powerful than anything else. You have such a good and tender heart, trust that the Lord will use you again to impact the lives of many more children, and that He will bring home to you the right child, forever this time...Love you God Bless

  2. I am so sorry!!! I don't know you but my sister in love Melanie talks about you often. My hubby and I have been talking about fostering to adopt wherever we end up next, to hear your story literally breaks my heart. But as Arlene said this was indeed God's plan and you will only know in heaven how perfect His will really is and how you impacted those boys for the kingdom. Again I am so sorry, and your family and those boys will be in my prayers.

  3. Hello precious friends. We are sorry for your loss. As we have been foster parents in the past and know others who have been able to minister effectively. We have learned that the ministry is only survived with eyes upturned and arms held wide open. Our prayers are with you.

  4. Praying for you sis. God has given you the heart for this, a unique and beautiful heart. He will not throw anything at you that you cannot handle. I know your heart is aching and I am so sorry. You blessed those two boys enormously for the short time they were with you. I know you will pray for them always, and so will I. Thinking of you, love you so much. Sending you a big hug from 2,000 miles away. Infinity, Syd

  5. Every time I witness or experience this type of searing pain... I have one ultimate conclusion.
    That loving irrationally is indeed the highest calling and the only way to experience God in this broken unjust world. It is not safe or rational to even sign up for this circumstance let alone persevere...and yet you commit your will to follow through not believing the emotions telling you that you are dying. You are believing in the unshifting character of your Father who entrusted you with a sacred opportunity to express his unsearchble love. " if you love me you will obey me..." that is what you have and are doing. I love you guys. Thank you for the beacon of light.